beating lights and rolling windows down

i'm going to be driving to sioux falls yet again tonight.
i'm so ready to just live there.
i wish i could rewind the last month - then i'd be able to leave.
but due to complications i'm a little stuck here till about marchish.
fuck.

is anyone else as bad at parking as i am? probably not b/c i'm horrible at it.
everyone is getting into relationships lately. or at least it seems like it.
brooke w/ juli.
tyler w/ .. katie?
ok. so only two. but they are both a decent size part of my life. ugh!
i've been thinking about things a lot lately.
i can't helo to wonder, if shaun hadn't been killed - would we still be together? i like to think so.
and it's coming down to that time of year that i dread. new years. i know it's been seven years since todd shot him self, but i'm still hurting about it. it's still on my mind constanly. even if i'm not directly thinking about it - it's still there.
my first christmas w/ out my dad is very close. i hope the kid that hit him enjoys his christmas in prison.
on a lighter note. i get to see him tomorrow:



and you should be jealous.
the only downfall is we're leaving from sioux at like 8 in the a.m.!!!! [which means that i have to leave by 7 at the latest to get to sioux falls by 8. which means i have to get up at like 4. eeergh!] b/c rachel and i are following spill down there. and tony and the boys have to leave that early to set up and rachel is going up to hang out with a friend. so i'm probably going to have nothing to do for like 10 hours till the show starts. maybe tony'll need some serious merch help - hmmm.

in other news i quit at falcon. icouldn't handle it.
but i still have my job at the cafe and i am looking into different jobs. mhm.

i find that i have nothing to do. all the people i want to hang out with and spend time with live too far away. alee lives in omaha. merissa in tennessee. i haven't met ashley yet but i will on saturday and i have a feeling we're gonna be fanastic friends, but she lives in rapid. and i find myself wanting to have coffee w/ katie and realizing she lives in pittsburgh. tyler has a g/f now so i'm assuming he's not gonna want to be hanging out. but i still have tony =)

this is just a bunch of rambling. i'm sorry.

p.s. i bought step up. and channing tatum is a god.

lovies.

this is what i do when i should be doing something productive.

i'm the worst livejournal-er ever.
i don't know what it is, but i can't seem to get into it.
i don't understand it.
maybe i just need to take more time here. hmm.

i'm listening to private drive b/c they have a show tonight and i chose to miss it b/c i have to work overtime at Falcon tonight at midnight. =( then tomorrow at the cafe 2-10 then back to Falcon at midnight. ugh.

i haven't drank pop in like 2 weeks. =) i'm quite proud of myself. it took a lot getting through the headaches i got at first.

i'm not too impressed w/ my roomate lately. she's been doing a damn good job of making me feel like crap. and spending time w/ someone she most obviously shouldn't be. she skipped work this weekend to spend time w/ this person.
i have a horrible feeling about the whole situation.

i've been listening to a lot of spill canvas lately.
like when i first found out about them. and i listened to them religiously. like i was their biggest fan. then the excitement of listening to a a bigtime local band wore off and i moved on to different things. in that time i discovered some more boot knocking amazing music. but the night tony and i went over to nicks house throw me back into a spill canvas whirlwind that i can't escape. hmm.
adding to that? i got my ticket for motion city and spill canvas + attention on the 21st. so it's a sure thing. as long as lucy is still going. or maybe i can go w/ tony? i should ask him.
he's in omaha at the all american rejects? show this weekend [ well the 15th]. so i didn't get to have coffee w/ him this weekend. maybe that's why things feel so messed up? tony seems to make things better. he's truly great. i hope he know that. if not i'll draw him a picture.

my hours have been cut down at the cafe so now i have my saturdays off. which is why i'm here updating ...
i taught hope how to knit last night. =) now i'm not the only 20/21 year old nerd who knows how to knit.
we're gonna go to sioux falls one of these days and spend all day taking random pictures b/c i drove down phillips ave [which goes through downtown sioux falls] and there are so many amazing little things i noticed that i want pictures of.

i think i've done enough babbling.

<3

hmmm . not a whole lot to write about i guess.
i just got over the flu. ick.
went to the nodes/private drive show on saturday and it = amazing. tony ripped off my pearl snap button up b/c he wanted to try it on. and it fit. i still say it was a jerk thing to do.
went to sankofa wif hope and phil and got smoothies. yum.
then to perkins where we met up w/ tony =) and jake and his g/f, rebecca [who is adorable] and had a lovely little time. i got hot chocolate [which i didn't get charged for] and shared a brownie sunda w/ rebecca. although the the boys fought hard for some of ours they had their own. they shared a chocolate chip cookie sundae of sorts - cute, right? and when we were done tony proceeded to run my face into a pole and when i tried to get a piggie back ride he spun me around so fast i was sure we were going to die....
on to fosters hope and i did go - had a great time. i adore aaron.
but when i woke up for work saturday i was so sick. ugh. so i slept for like 18 hours.worked today. 2-10. now i'm off till midnight when i go into work at falcon... i hate that place. i honestly do. but i need money so bad right now.
plus spill is playing in minneapolis and i don't wanna be too poor to go ..

hmmm. i think that's about it for now....

lovies.

the thing i fear the most in life is becoming my mother.
i fear it so much that the slightest idea of being like her at all makes me physically sick.
so when joel asked me at work this morning if it was weird that i now work at the same factory my mom did 7 years ago - i almost vomited.
it's this sickening, weakening FEAR of being like her at all. even a little bit.
and i hate it. it's so ridiculous and pathetic. but it never goes away.
which is why i'm glad i look a lot like my dad.

things have been super rough on me lately. no particular reason. just rough. i'm not sleeping worth a damn.
my schedule is so out of whack. grr. what on earth was i thinking getting a second job on top of a full time job and school? someone should have stopped me.

i can't remember the last time i ate.

i heard the spill canvas on the radio tonight [this morning] at work. it was enlightening. i'm not sure why.

i'm sick of living in brookings.
i can't wait to move to sioux falls in the summer.
why haven't i moved there yet? what's wrong w/ me?

i feel like a single mother when i come home, take my jacket off and i'm wearing my Lanes shirt. like one of those single mothers you see on tv...
fuck.
i think my life goes in a big circle. and i'm hitting the shitty orbit. lots of ups and downs.
my life is missing something. i know what it is, but i don't want to admit to myself or anyone what it is. in a general consensus. i want the one thing that i told myself i wasn't gonna need.
but it's whatever. i'll hit an "up" moment soon enough.
tony invited my to come down and hang out with him, but what with me not getting any sleep the majority of this week i though it best to just chill tonight. maybe tomorrow after work.. but that means i won't get there till after 11. AND i have to work sunday at 2. life's a bitch, eh?
i realized that i don't have any of the old friends i used to. and i'm ok with that. is that bad of me?
i'm rambling. so i'm gonna go in my cozy room and knit [yes, i'm 20 and i knit]. i'm making aaron a scarf. and he shall love it.

oh bother.
i.. hate.. work. not gonna lie - i need a money tree. what w/ driving to sioux falls every weekend.

i've fallen into the wrath of the acceptance. *sigh*

this is the worst part of my week right here. thurs at falcon midnight - 8. home for sleepies and back to work at the prairie 2 - 10. then BACK to falcon for another dose to midnight - 8.

i'm quite disappointed that the show was cancelled for friday. i was so looking forward to it. and i have to work saturday so i'll be missing the one that night also.

i need to turn 21 sooner than march. for real.

my roomate has been acting a little strange. but w/ all that i've been carrying on my shoulders - i'm not sure i want to ask her what is wrong though i'm sure it's the "roomate thing to do".

maybe i should slumber for a few hours....

i've been neglecting LJ since pretty much the day i got one.
mostly b/c i don't know how to work anything on here.

so my new - december resolution [ignore that it's still november] is to start writing in here.

i think i should start an "i'm obsessed w/ nick thomas" club. hung out w/ him and joe and tony saturday night. basically amazing. cute little OCD nick is. <3

there must be something wrong w/ me, b/c i had a good night at work.

i wish it would snow. it's almost december in south dakota and we have yet to see some snow.
i'm a little disappointed.

something is going on w/ my roomate [brooke] i just don't know what it is. and i can't get myself to care as much as i should b/c i have so much going on in my life right now. i feel a little guilty.

um um um.
i'm gonna do some laundry.

you saw me. from amist all the bright and smiling faces, somehow you pinpointed me and you saw, not my desire to be picked but rather my longing to be understood. that one face of darkness in the middle of the light.

you approached me w/ out encouragement. w/ out hesitation although you feared my silence/ w/ out preparation. w/ out even giving a thought to how you might ask me. you bypassed all the smiles that turned at your passage. detoured asound those who might ask youin turn.

you saw. and you came.

and w/ out a word you touched me and saw into my questioning eyes and knew that i knew. and instead of stuttering some clumsy invitation : instead of smiling and charming and being the big confident man : you only drew me to my feet and took me in your arms.

and did i scare you a bit my angel? did you fear my reckless abandon as soon as i became part of the melody? did i make it difficult for you? not waiting for your motions to follow mine. dancing blindly yo an inner tune which shut me out from all around me. that inner impulses that made me move : twirl : nearly bursting w/ something. some power - oh call it desire - some helplessness that gripped me and made me move.

i knew you wanted to take me in your arms and gently touch me and hold me close and comfort me. but i couldn't : i couldn't stop : i couldn't let you touch me. i couldn't let you reach me

i danced for them. for you. for myself. i danced for the burning vindiction in my soul. i danced b/c they were all there and they all had to see me. you set me free and they couldn't not see me. they had to see. they couldn't look away. they had to see what they had made and what had been released to leave them all behind.

and they did see.

and the mutters of scorn soon became grudging respect. gradually melting into jealousy. and finally forming into poisonous hatred.

and i was glad. and you saw my fierce vengeance and were afraid.

but i wouldn't let you stop me. they finally saw me and i couldn't stop until i had shown them what they had made me.

now i lay me down to sleep
my angel tasting my blood to keep
if i die before i wake
leave my body at hell's gate